


I've Gone and Lost the Best Baby that I Ever Had

by Deadly_Sirius



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Brief Fluff, Brief Implied Smut, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/M, Feels, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 14:35:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21017372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deadly_Sirius/pseuds/Deadly_Sirius
Summary: A dive into what River's death really meant.





	I've Gone and Lost the Best Baby that I Ever Had

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide. SPOILERS. Song fic: "River" by Joni Mitchell (see if u can pick up on all the verses lol). Also, this is sad. This is just angst. I'm sorry, I'll write happy river/payton sometime soon. Don't read if you don't want to have Feels.

The worst thing that happened was how little anyone noticed. Well, that's not true. People noticed he was gone. People noticed Astrid taking a few days off, quietly crying to herself when she did come back. People noticed the somber blanket that suffocated the whole school. People noticed that River had died, that he'd killed himself, that he did it with a gun.

People noticed that Astrid had been there when they'd wheeled his body out of his house and had broken down at the sight of the body bag. The lacrosse team noticed and held a candlelight vigil for River the night after it happened, the other captain of the team wrapping an arm around Astrid as she cried into his shoulder. People noticed the most attractive, powerful, inspirational and emotional boy in the school dying. They didn't forget about his attempt either, broadcasted at their first debate for study body president.

But they forgot about Payton. And perhaps that was selfish to say, but everybody forgot about him. While they were talking about Astrid at the crime scene, they didn't mention the fact tht Payton had been there. Payton had been the only witness to River killing himself, the only one who could still feel and smell the spray of River's blood on his skin. They didn't mention that Payton was the only one who knew his last words (_I really did love you_), or that River had shot himself while it was still light out and Payton watched the sun set and the day turn to night for many hours before Astrid arrived. They forgot that she blamed River's suicide on him, that Payton thought she was only crying because she had lost control.

Without River, where was her power? Without a high school sweetheart, where was her sense of normalcy? Where was a male figure who didn't hate her, who didn't only care about her because she was pretty? Maybe she did love River, it was unfair for Payton to say she was that callous, but he strongly believed the real reason Astrid was so upset was because she had to watch River be taken from her before she could willingly give him up. She lost control of River and herself when he died.

So taking a few days off was not nearly enough for her, everybody insisted. She should have left for the whole year, should have traveled, should have properly mourned. Even the teachers believed she deserved a break, not making her submit assignments and looking past her late arrivals to or early departures from class. But nobody noticed Payton.

Nobody noticed that he went home late that night after hours of the police investigating the crime scene and him repeating his story over and over again. And nobody noticed that after he washed River's blood off of his body, after he crawled into bed and asked his mother if it was okay that he wasn't crying, after he didn't sleep because he couldn't stop waking up from the sound of a bullet being fired into a skull, after all of that he got up, got dressed, and left for school. He organized a school-wide assembly honoring River a week after his suicide, he stayed in the running for president, he went to his classes and took his tests and quit Mandarin.

Astrid lost her boyfriend. Payton watched his best friend, the only person who could make him feel anything, the person he loved so much, look him in the eyes and put a bullet through his brain. Payton caught the weight of River's lifeless body as it fell to the ground. And nobody noticed.

And so, everything kept moving. Time would not stand still for River, and all Payton wanted was a pause. He found it horrifying that election posters went up and lacrosse games were played and the school musical was performed. All he wanted was River.

But Payton kept moving. His body kept going and he didn't stop. He couldn't be real, he couldn't feel, because that would take too long and he only had right now. He had McAfee, James, Alice. He had his great school and his mother, he had a massive house equipped with staff and a rich father, but he didn't have River.

Payton did, once. He once had River, once imagined what it would be like to fly away together. It was the only time in eleven years that he saw a future without his presidential election. River had come over for a Mandarin lesson but saw that Payton hadn't stopped _going_ for days, hadn't slept or eaten well all week. So he practically force-fed Payton some soup and made him take a nap. Payton had woken up to the scent of _River_. His head had been buried in the crook of River's neck, those strong lacrosse arms holding him in close, their legs tangled together.

Payton had looked up at River's closed eyes and saw him so peaceful. He wondered, just for a moment, what it would be like if they just left one day. Ran away to Shanghai. River would have to order his food and do everything for him since he was so atrocious at Mandarin. What would it have been like if nothing mattered but them?

Every other dream about River was much more realistic. It was a quarter of the way into Payton's second term. He couldn't be reelected anyways. They reconnected. They started an affair. Payton told Alice and she was angry, at first, but she accepted it. She understood why he needed to do what he did. They came out. They told the world, and Payton became the first U.S. President to come out as queer in office. By the end of his second four years, they were married. He first wrote an autobiography, a memoir, a _something_ about his life and his success. Then, he wrote a book about their life together. Payton never told Alice this plan because, for all he knew, it might never happen.

She was still his high school sweetheart, she would still be his First Lady, and that's all she needed to know.

The worst dreams weren't the ones that ended with the gunshot. The worst ones ended right before the gun appeared. They ended with the feeling of River's thumb on Payton's lips still tingling, with _I'm sorry. I did love you._ They ended with River's tears.

Payton spent more time with River crying than not. And yet, for all the times he'd broken down and blubbered in front of River, the other had never once cried in front of him. Payton was River's escape. He spent his life feeling so much, and crying was nearly always associated with bad. When other people cried in front of him, River felt so, so sad. But when Payton cried in front of him, he felt happy. Because even though Payton was sad, it was what he needed. He knew the tears only came from things not processed, and this was Payton working through it.

Payton was his escape. He didn't have to try to be happy around Payton, he just was happy. But the last time Payton saw River, he made him cry. He made his baby cry.

River had tried so hard to help him, to set him up for success. He had loved him so well. Payton felt weak every time he saw River, every time he saw those full and bright eyes, every time he saw his smile. His heart would stutter and his brain would shut down and his knees would tremble and his voice would cracks because every cell in his body just wanted him. Wanted to feel loved and safe with him.

And _dear God_, the way River made him feel when they were together. Those hands running up and over his body, the taste of his lips and the sound of his heavy breaths. The sound of River moaning just at the sight of Payton ruined him. River made him melt, he gave complete and utter control over to River. He was the opposite of Astrid who did nothing but try and gain control, gain the upper hand. It was no wonder Payton didn't feel safe or intimate with her when the three of them spent a night together.

Payton just wished he still had that.

But he had to be difficult. He had to run into River's house yelling and screaming about betrayal, about his selfish aspirations, about how little room in his life he had for River. He threatened to use their relationship against River and it took many months after the argument happened for Payton to realize that River never saw them like that. River didn't think they were a bad thing, something to be ashamed of. But Payton always felt guilty because he wasn't a good person, he just sometimes did good things. He wasn't sad, he just never felt anything. And he lost River. He lost the one thing he wanted. He never even got to say goodbye.

Why wasn't he more selfish?

Payton won the election, but only technically. Astrid ran away and came back. Alice slept with James. McAfee lied to Payton. Infinity didn't have cancer. Payton was poisoned twice. Payton finally cried for River because he _loved him so much, he love him so much and he was gone._ Everything happened and life kept moving and all Payton wanted was River.

A river he could skate away on.

**Author's Note:**

> I love these boys so much it's literally just canon evan/connor so whatcha gonna do?
> 
> Comment/kudos if you liked it! Thanks for reading this. It made me sad to write it.


End file.
